A Mother's Ramblings....

There were times in my life when I would imagine how great it would be to take off and back pack around Europe or jump in a car and just drive with no given destination. It wasn't too long into those daydreams when I would start laughing, knowing myself way too well, and thinking..there is NO way that would happen..I need maps and guide books, itineraries and hotel reservations.. all done way in advance. I now find that ironic. When I started this blog I thought I aptly entitled it "Bella Kai's Journey". I have come to realize that it may not be very accurate. It is more than Bella's journey. It is her entire family's journey. On June 21, 2011 we all started out together, bound by one goal...survival. Its funny, I didn't even have time to pack a bag. Its only been a little over 2 months and I feel like we have already traveled a million miles. And although we are all out there together, we are all wearing very different traveling shoes. It has become necessity that we all follow our own compass as to which ways to turn for it isn't an easy journey.. there are so many pitfalls that come completely out of the blue.

I myself have taken many turns..much of them alone, truly believing I know the right way (I was never really good with directions). You see, that is how I came to be at the bottom of a very deep well. Just didn't see it coming, I wasn't prepared. Even though the fall was quick, getting out seems to be a bit tougher. Oh there are days where my efforts are rewarded and I see that I have scratched and pulled myself up about 5-10 feet. I look up and see the light getting closer, bigger..and then it happens, I slip and bang, right back at the bottom of the well. This seems to happen over and over again.

Now my fellow travelers, those who are most dear to me in the entire world, they never criticize my path, rather they seem to come running from wherever they might be on their own part of this journey and they join together and try to come up with solutions to get me out of that well. Yet, how fair is that? They have all hit their own pitfalls along this road, of that I am sure. But nevertheless they are there. And despite their very best efforts, I am still at the bottome looking up at all of their faces.. feeling disappointed in myself and feeling that I have let them down.

Before this journey began I really did believe I was a pretty good tour guide, that I could navigate best for my friends and family. I had big plans for teaching my children these good techniques and preparedness. I guess that is the funny thing about journeys.. they never turn out quite as you thought they would.

And the funny thing about being at the bottom of a well.. it gives you a lot of time to think. Surprisingly my thoughts are not of doom and gloom..no, not at all.. the thoughts that fill my head are of my children and my husband. I see Zackary's big blue eyes full of devilish delight and I hear his sweet laughter as he calls after his sister. I hear the pitter patter of his chubby little feet as he shows off how good he is at running. I see my husband's face and I remember the first time I knew I was in love with him. How powerful that feeling was that it nearly blew me over. I instantly feel that feeling he gives me which just makes me want to be a better person. But most of all.. I see Bella...I see her smile. Its not just any smile.. it is an innocent, pure, perfectly angelic smile. It throws light down the well and almost blinds me for a second...but then my eyes adjust and her face is clear. She is at the top of the well and she is speaking to me, without words, she is telling me all I need to know to get out. Then she giggles that contagious, heartwarming giggle that wraps around me, it is as if she is laughing at how silly I am for getting stuck down there in the first place. I find myself pulling up, up and out.

I stand alone at the top of the well and look back down at where I have been for the last few days. And I say a quick prayer that I don't make a wrong turn like that again. I am not naive enough to think it may not happen again, or that I won't encounter other dangerous pitfalls but one thing is abundantly clear..I do have a guide, a teacher in the most unexpected form..for she is only 2 years old. Yet despite her youth and tiny size, she guides me so easily and gently, as if she has done this a million times before. She leaves me with no doubt that she is willing to do it a million more. Her love is unconditional and all she needs to do is smile and wrap her small arms around my neck. And for that moment, the next few steps light up in front of me. Not the whole path, because if I am learning nothing else, it is to go slow, take in all that is around me. Marvel at the beauty, one moment, one step at a time.